Empty-hearted

In some situations, things are difficult to be expressed through words. I had some sleepless night thinking of the same thing over and over. This issue keeps repeating in my mind. I need to get it over with. I won't compromise this time. My decision is final.

p/s: I am solemnly sorry...

Hope

I wish things could go back to what it was...

p/s: moving forward

Monday Blue

A friend told me, if people start to envy you, means that you are successful in your work field. They are envy of your talent and your ability which they do not possess themselves. How true is that, I really have no idea. Conflict happens between people. I am not good in dealing with these kind of conflicts. How many people can stick to their own opinion, listen to their own heart and follow their own desire in every circumstances without influence by others? I can't. It's very difficult for me to make a choice for I am definitely not a good decision maker. I really don't like the working environment here now. Things and people are different from the time when I first join the company. Somehow, I can feel that some incident occurs because of me. If I didn't join the company then, people here may be happier than they are now. My existence seems to become a threat for some people in the organization. I tried to avoid this kind of thinking but everything happens for a reason and so to speak, 'I' am the reason behind. I am pretty sure that it's about time for me to change a new working environment. Almost every discontented event occurs because of me indirectly. I choose to leave this organization for good. I choose to leave is not because of anyone. I did it because I think it's time to let go.

p/s: discovering the different me

I want a break

Can I please have a break tomorrow?

p/s: no pain no gain

13.11.2011

Saw this from a page in facebook and think this quote is a great

console for those who is still waiting for the right one to pick

on to his/ her ride to eternity ...

p/s: It's actually a great comfort for myself

Fun having Her around

This is an 'art piece' created by my mother and I in a wedding reception of my cousin. We are just too boring. It's fun having her around. I love her and miss her heaps.

p/s: I love you, Mummy.

1 Nov 2011

It's a birthday surprise from my brother and his gf.
My brother left this pinky hanging at my door.
Only did I notice it after I took my shower.
Thank you very much guys.
Though it's been the worst birthday ever......
Ignore the 'worst' part because there are always
the good part awaiting.
Texts from friends, blessings on facebook, greetings
from colleagues, phone calls from mother and friends,
birthday song from father, brother and Vince.

The question is still bothering me... should I leave this company or should I stay... There are enough reasons for me to leave but still there are reasons for me to stay. Argh....... I am confused.

 

Something New

Have been quite worn out last week.

Had finally realized that working life is not what I have ever thought of.

Something that cheers up me gloomy working life. 

Love my nails to the max, thank you very much, Wawa.

Nervous, insecure, unsure

It is total madness. I always hesitate whether to leave the company now or then. I will have to leave eventually. It is just the matter of time. I know I may face the same old brand new people in a brand new environment. I am afraid. I feel insecure. I know I have to start every single little things from the very beginning. I have to prove I am worth the pay, have to gain trust among new colleagues and boss. I have to learn the new company's operational system. I know these are not easy but everyone is going through these, why can't I? It is not up to me to worry so much about. I am  pissed off.  Because I felt being disrespectfully treated by some jerk. I can't stand being treated like this constantly.I am frustrated with the ill manner. I can't coordinate with this kind of jerk. I can't stand to be treated like a moron. The company doesn't need me to sustain so what should I care? There are too many jerks out there and just lucky me to have met one.I don't like to lie about the fact that, "never mind how the jerk treat me, I already get used to it, just let the jerk be"

while I actually feel worse after each 'attack'.

And I want the jerk to know that, it's not the cert that matters to the boss,

it's our performance that really matter. For everyone's sake, please

stop bothering me about my qualification.
I am just a d*mn graduate like every other graduate.

That's all and that's it. 

p/s: forget about those who hurts because life is already tough

Let me be

Just let me be spoiled once in a while.
Because there're too much to be
expected. And sometimes things tend
to get out of control. I can still recall
what my boss told me when we lose
in the tender stage. He told me not to hold
things too tight, keep it loose, that is life.
Life is not always perfect.
And you get to fail and fall 99 for times to be successful
for just once. He is my estimation guru. I have to admit without him,
I am still the naive me now though sometimes
I really can't stand his stubbornness.

Let me dream... Things are getting well now, at least for now. I have less

expectation now. Because I am terrified. I feel weak to even think about

the unexpected. Just let things go free. There are too much to be compromised.

There are too much to be planned. There are too much worries. These

are keeping me from moving. Let me stay in this cocoon meanwhile I draft

my 'future'. 

p/s: Let me be with myself for the time being...

A New Chapter

Have been joining the company for 2 years. I learnt that salaries are not always equivalent with the work load. And I can't please everyone in the same time. Even if I am doing my part, some people still tend to cross over the line. Even if I am cool with what I am doing, others may not think the same. I give up. Because making each of them happy means being cruel to myself. I played my role, I fulfill my obligation and that's it. It doesn't matter how others think about me.

I almost ended my six-years relationship with Vince for some stupid reason. I got to talk it out with some friends and that make me feel more guilty and foolish for what I have done. I apologized to Vince. Feeling a bit relieved after that. But still there is a transparent wall that distant us. It's a feeling so to speak. I truly felt that way. I have been giving too much pressure to Vince. And I am really being too selfish comparing to the others. Sorry, I just can't help it. I think every girl deserves to be selfish for this matter. I can't possibly imagine how I went through all of these. I have to admit, my heart is shaken when I said that 'magical' word. For better or for worse, I think both of us grow from this issue. And some friends told me, there are more to come. I hope I have the strength to walk all the way to eternity.

p/s: Love is not always between us, it's between 2 families. And that is what make love magical.

Once upon a time

Miss every bits of you

2443 days

Sweet Tooth

No doubt, I am a marsh-mallow lover. I cannot find the long lost taste in my hometown. Finally discovered its trail ... Though it tasted a bit like melon. Still it did cheer up my day ^^









p/s: wonderful things happened once in a blue moon and that's what make it wonderful

Harmony

 27th August 2011, 11.30 pm, I took a ride in the bus to Kuching. The journey was quite tiring though. Didn't sleep well in the bus. Despite the 'unique' smell of the bus itself, the 'comfy' coach is giving me all the ache in my back and my legs. There were a lot going on in my mind that night. That sleepless night was really driving me crazy... However, I didn't regret that I decided to took a ride in the bus rather than the flight. It's the old and familiar feeling that I tend to experience once again. I closed my eyes most of the time during the journey. Reached Kuching bus terminal station around 10 something in the morning. I can barely walk in a straight line due to the aching of my leg muscle. Took me quite sometime to move through the crowds and finally settle all my bags on an empty bench. Didn't relaxed yet, I kept my vision clear to look for my dearest mum. I was relieved when I saw her familiar face. She didn't saw me, she was trying to dail my number when I saw her. Gave her quite a big shock. I feel homy with her around.

***************************

Took some pictures along the way to Kuching. Some passagers went down occasionally. I was most excited for them as they had eventually reached home. I waited patiently for my turn. The bus by passed a small town called 'Serian'. Some more passangers took off there. The bus was almost empty. Everyone was awakening then, looking out of the window. They looked happy.

Buildings in Serian are old but simple. Just like the citizens, simple and fine.

p/s: I finally felt hapiness for the pass two months...

August Fever

Haven't been feeling this way since... I don't remember the exact period of time. It's been long I know. I feel emptiness. Somehow, I feel lost. It's like I am not moving forward while the others are taking their chances and just go on with it. Emptiness hits me hard. Recently, I realized that I am a lousy decision maker. People get to live for what they have decided. But I can't stop blaming myself.

I am experiencing the toughest moment in my life now, at this status of my 24 years-life. It's very suffering to spend 24 hours missing someone. I choose to make myself busy rather than to sit back and relax. I tell myself to get a life just to find out at the end that I don't have a life. What a pity. My life used to be colourful with you around. I tried to hypnotize myself that this will end without me even knowing it. Nevertheless, I know that it won't be fast.

I am tired. Just tired. I am not trying to act cool. No matter how people tried to convince me this will be over, deep inside my heart, I feel bad. And I am the biggest moron.


p/s: Will tomorrow really be a better day?

i love you

time is flying way too fast for me to cope...

he will be going back next week...

but i am starting to miss him already

went to the bank alone to settle my car loan on Thursday

went shopping alone last week

bought my own lunch,

i am starting to adapt to the single life

sounds lonely but hey i am good at that

he has been staying here at bintulu with me for the pass one and

a half years.

see how time flies.

this is probably the question in my heart...

p/s: will you still love me tomorrow?

Lazy Morning

It's Saturday again...

My New Love

It's called 'Danboard'.
It's the only thing that cheer up my day in the office.
It's cute.
I just love it.

p/s: there will be a silver lining after every thunder storm.

Confused

I am really getting more and more confused these days.
Working life is definitely not what I have expected.
Relationship is basically on the rail.
Other than that, I have been thinking about leaving this organization which I worked for no.
However, it's not simply about just leaving.
I am getting very very lazy lately.
Actually I have been tired and unwilling to move on.
My hard works seemed meaningless.

p/s: Laugh out load while you still can...

Highlight of the Month

My new 4 inches high heels... I simply love them...

My bag, i just love bags...

Miss Those days

Pictures taken along our way home...

My Weekends

  

"Where do you want to hang out today?" Asked Vince. 

"Let's go to the beach." I replied. 

Then he goes like "Are you sure ? It's pretty hot now...".              

I had to convince him to go. He drove there unwillingly though. 

He eventually felt relieved.                                                           

I have proven the beach is a place to release pressure for he seems to be more relaxed there.                                               

He said the sea breeze brings comfort.                                       

I understand that he is really stressed with works and with the people at workplace but I really do not know a way to release the tension.

I think going to the beach is probably a way to let go for at least a second of what is worrying him in his mind.                                                                     

            

 

                                                                                                                                                                    

 

 I enjoyed every moment I spent with Vince.

But sometimes things just do not always go as you wish.

And that's why letting go is a very important lesson in life.

I am really lucky to have him in my life. He is the last thing I would ever let go of.

Time flies. People change. Memories fade. Only love lasts.

Meeting you has always been the most wonderful thing that have ever happened to me.

You have no idea how much I need you.

p/s: Thank you for everything, dear...

A day-out

It's pretty amazing how we can stay together with each other for six long years.

I have been really worried that our relationship won't work out.

Now it just prove that I have been thinking too much.

We grow through time, both of us.

Less time are spent together since we are working. I heard from someone saying that

love is poor without memories. Life is not the same since we are working.

Topics of discussion are mostly about work. I know I can't possibly 

live without him. 

Went to submit a tender on this particular day and met his family. Went shopping 

for a while, that photo is taken while he is driving. We are on our way to submit

the tender. The mango ice-cream is really nice. The day before this I finished off

work at 1:30 a.m. and continued my day in the office at 6.30 a.m. Though I was

pretty wiped out, I still love my day.

p/s: Thank you for loving me for who I am...

A Day to Memorize

This is how my table looks like last week. It's been like this for almost a month. There's been a war. I am really about to exceed my maximum last week. Working late everyday from monday to sunday. Who can possibly stand that? I will never forget this month. A lot had happened. It's been craft deep to my memory. This is an important lesson in my life. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to try out. 

p/s: "Hard work keeps the wrinkles out of your face and mind"

The Office

This is the d*mn place where i spend my 8 hours from Monday to Saturday. I purposely edit it to be in black and white. Because this is how i feel about it. It would be colourful someday in the future, I suppose. I have been feeling oddly depressed recently. I can't explain the feeling. I suppose many people around me have had this kind of confusion. Thinking that it's meaningless working day and night, struggling to finish off the works, staying up late in countless nights, at the end of the day all u get is exhaustion. This place was my dream but it turns to be my nightmare.



p/s: Good Luck to all Workaholics, Cheers ~

Happy 2011

Sitting in the office, feeling very confused.  Perhaps I don’t belong here.  Isn’t this my home? This question has been playing inside my head over and over.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have come here at the first place.  Throughout the year, I learnt that it’s difficult to please every single person around you. And you get to live with your mistakes. And no matter how hard you strike to get through, you will end at the same spot.  

My job seems to be the only obsession that I can find my satisfaction in. I don’t mind having tones and tones of work load. I can stay in the office all day long just to keep myself busy. I realized that nothing can be perfect. Maybe I should just find sometimes for myself. Be alone, stay empty-minded, relax, relocate my thoughts, reschedule my plans, reset my goals for this year, find myself some entertainment and find myself a hobby perhaps. Could it be that I haven’t been honest enough to myself. Or could it be that I have been too aggressive. Have been trying so hard to stick as close to my principle as possible. And this seems to be a mission impossible. 

I have summarized a wishlist to myself.

First of all, to get a really good camera.

Secondly, plan for a trip to KK. (Have been dreaming about this day and night)

Third, to upgrade myself more and hopefully to complete my dissertation.

4th, to have my bank account loaded.

No. 5, to buy an elegant necklace for my mother. 

Make it just 5 for now.

p/s: To love crazily while you still can ...